What's the female version of "bastard"?

Search: female bastard

Why: This morning, I listened to this track by Myq Kaplan on his album Vegan Mind Meld. I would like to transcribe it, but it's pretty wordy, and also I don't want to get into trouble, but maybe I will do it anyway since transcribing happens to be one of my favorite activities:

There are people who think that that's next: Bestiality after gay marriage. I don't think they've thought it through entirely, like I have. Imagine a gay man who's finally won the right to be with a gay man. He's like, "What's next? Female chimp?" I don't think so. Maybe male chimp. Maybe gay bestiality follows gay marriage, but that means straight bestiality follows straight marriage. It's marriage that leads to bestiality. So if you want to get rid of bestiality, you have to get rid of marriage, which also gets rid of divorce, premarital sex, adultery... You kill4 birds with one stone, which is way better than killing thousands of birds by throwing rice at weddings. See? Plus you can take all those birds you're not killing, you can have sex with them and not marry them. No illegitimate children, no teen pregnancy, and - even if there was miraculously an offspring of a human and a bird - what's it gonna be? Probably an angel.

Did you see that? Illegitimate children.

Answer: Well,

• A bastard (because bastard is actually descriptive, as in the term "bastard child")

The word comes from the French fils de bast, "child of the saddle," meaning a child conceived on an improvised bed, as saddles often doubled as beds while traveling. I mean, the kid's mom probably banged a passing traveler.

• A bitch (as just the female counterpart of a male person who acts like a dick, like some dumb bastard who cuts you off in traffic - not really an illegitimate girl child)
• An iglet, but I only see it listed here, not here, though it was supposedly something in the laws of England and Wales (or maybe it was just someone screwing around on Wikipedia)
  

- which stated, by the way, that if an eldest son was born a bastard, but a second son was born after the parents were married, the second son would get all the inheritance.

Source: AnswerBag, EtymOnline

The More You Know: From Mental Floss, Famous Bastards Who Made Their Mark:

Confucius (551-479 BC)

According to the first complete biography of Confucius, the Shiji, his dad, a warlord named Shu Liang He, and his mom, a member of the Yan clan, “came roughly together,” indicating either a rape, concubinage, or some other sort of extramarital shenanigan.

Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)

This personification of the Renaissance was actually the son of a notary, Ser Piero, and a peasant girl of somewhat “easy virtue.” In fact, the two simply took a tumble in the hay together before going their separate ways and providing Leonardo, from their marriages to other people, with 17 half brothers and sisters. Needless to say, these assorted half siblings were none too fond of their renowned relation, whose birth was something of an embarrassment, and on his father’s death in 1503 they conspired to deprive him of his share of the estate. Leonardo had the last laugh, however, when the death of an uncle led to a similar inheritance squabble, leaving him with sole custody of the uncle’s lands and property.

Alexander Hamilton (1755-1804)

Hamilton was the illegitimate son of West Indian colonials, and made a name for himself as a brilliant orator and writer. He eventually became one of the leaders of the American Federalist Party.

Lawrence of Arabia (1888-1935)

The illegitimate son of a knight and his children’s nanny, T. E. Lawrence became the model for generations of British diplomats blindly idolizing all things Arabian.

Eva Perón (1919-1952)

“Saint Evita” was the daughter of an adulterous relationship between two villagers in an impoverished part of Argentina. She made a name for herself as an actress before marrying Juan Perón in 1944, but, being illegitimate (and a peasant), she was never really accepted in the social circles in which he routinely traveled.